Barnacles have 12" penises.

Only kidding, that's not the end of it - bet I stunned half of you into silence with that one (actually as you're sitting at your PC viewing a web page you're probably silent anyway but then again because.... oh never mind). It is, of course, for a reason more logical than that all barnacles are sex mad horny beasts. It is because they need to mate with other barnacles who can be on the other side of a rock. So it can sort of snake towards them. That would make an interesting porn film. Apparently the equivalent sizes would mean that were a human to have the same relative sized penis, it would be as long as Nelson's column.

Since being built, Nelson's column appears to have shrunk by 15'. Now as it's made of stone it can't actually have shrunk - it was just an error in the original measurements. Referring to the previous post it's a good job - imagine if your penis somehow shrunk by 15'! (this assumes that a male is reading the previous sentence)

Celebrity love island is blatant cheap tripe made for the delectation of clueless idiots everywhere. As is most other reality TV. There endeth the lesson.

When allowing friends round for a party, and if there should be a computer in the same room as the aforementioned retrieving of the drunkenness, make sure you log out of your Google account. Failure to do this could lead to your mates searching for something rather untoward (such as, example from nowhere, chicken porn) and this item of teenage immaturity being stored in your Google search history. Worse is that future Google ads will be based partially on your preferences. I wonder who sells anything remotely related? And is it legal?

Tesco escalators are advancing at a rate seen only in the speed of computers. Yes, they actually allow trolleys on them now! Kerrrrrayzy! It's basically ripped it off from airports - those flat things that move lazy people between terminals have been stolen and tilted to allow you to ascend upwards whilst maintaining control of your trolley. The trolley will also lock its wheels to prevent sliding downwards - they really do think of everything. Somewhat of interest to our drunk minds as we made our way up was a voice that stated that we were near the top. Obviously to prevent the all-too-common occurrence of people being sucked into the machine and spat out as spaghetti (due to both incredible shopping boredom and unbelievable stupidity) it struck a chord against us and we spent about five minutes walking slowly back down it in order to prove it wrong when it said 'you are now approaching the top'.

It is great fun to fill in job applications with stupid things. I may post a picture of this in an unrelated feature later on. As well as the result when I attempt to hand it in at Asda.

Lastly I have learned that I am actually Doctor Who. This was pointed out by some friends for whatever drunk reason popped into their minds and I followed it up by dressing in a towel and dressing gown to appear as the Tom Baker Doctor. Again, pictures may follow.